LULU, dressed in a male suit, pin striped and beautifully cut, makes a presentation to an imaginary Greater City Council.

LULU: Think of Johannesburg. Greater Johannesburg. South of Soweto, from Orange Farm to the border of Midrand in the north. The place looks like a kidney, like a sort of squashed kidney. Think of the Ml north. Think of the east. Benoni, Brakpan, Boksburg. Think of the great cities of the world. Rome, Paris, Beijing, Buenos Aires, London, New York, Johannesburg!

Johannesburg is the largest city in the world not built on a river!

This is why we're mad! This is why the city is crazy! We need water!

Madam chair, city councillors, Central City Solutions propose the following - we are going to change the Ml into a river and replace Benoni, Boksburg and Brakpan with a sea!

Our consulting engineers assure us that all entrances to the Ml can be easily dammed up and with a few minor pumps we can make the river flow all the way to Pretoria.

To tell you the truth, we're not really sure which city is lower - Jo'burg or Pretoria - but this, I'm assured by the engineers is a minor detail.

You know the sea at Sun City? How it waves and crashes? We've been told by the engineers that we can create about thirty or forty of those and nobody will ever know it's man made.

Unfortunately moving Benoni, Boksburg and Brakpan is a little harder!

THE COMPANY sings:

GAUTENG

Gauteng Go monate (3) It's lovely in Gauteng

Go monate mo Gauteng

Ditsotsi tsa mo a di sa dlala

ma- dice

Di rpoa di banka di bolaya batho

Maginsta ka dithunya le di car hijack

House breaker, jack roller

House breaker, jack roller,

Tshaba di fedile

Mo Gauteng

Gauteng Go monate (3)

Go monate mo Gauteng

To stroll at night is to take a risk

They break your back and empty your pockets

Boys and girls, it's just the same

Tsotsis don't gamble

with

dice any more

They rob banks and kill

people

Guys with guns and car

hijacking

The nation is finished