Published: Civil and Military Gazette, 15 September 1888.

Attribution: In Scrapbook 4 (28/4, p. 86).

Text: Civil and Military Gazette.

Notes: Reprinted in ‘Turnovers’, iii, 1888.

(Of Things in General)

Q.– What is India?

A.– A plain country, continually in debt, whose centre is Simla and whose circumference is hazy, populated chiefly by gentlemen with ideas.

Q.– Who governs the same?

A.– His Majesty the Secretary of State, hampered by His Excellency the Viceroy and certain Councils.

Q.– Which are they?

A.– Two for the most part, – excluding those which are divided – to wit, that of the India Office and that of the Indian Officers.

Q.– Why that of the India Office?

A.– For the better performance of contracts and the housing of the aged.

Q.– Who are the aged?

A.– Administrators who have been returned to store condemned, impotent, or expended.

Q.– Their function?

A.– To intercept messages from East to West and from West to East, to call Sir John Gorst from labour to refreshment, and to obey the commands of the Secretary of State.

Q.– Why that of the Indian Officers?

A.– For the occasional benefit of the daily papers and the permanent delight of the Red Chuprat.

Q.– Its function?

A.– To obey the command of the Shrieking Sisterhood, to listen with fear to the preaching of the Anti-Opium Society, to behave with humility and reverence to the Native Press, and to support the Baal Butcha of the Red Chuprat.

Q.– How to obey, &c.?

A.– By repealing the C.D. Act as ordered, and entrusting the talk thereupon to the man who most shrinks from the task.

Q.– How to support, &c.?

A.– By individually keeping eight or more Red Chuprats in their verandahs, duftars, and nurseries.

Q.– What is a Viceroy?

A.– The Head of the Council, if not otherwise employed or guided; a valuable name upon a Poster, and, in some cases, an enthusiastic Collector of Beetles.

Q.– How is he regarded?

A.– According to the taste and fancy of the Indian Nation, to imitate which is forgery.