By and large there are no fundamentally unhealthy sounds in New Zealand speech … However as a race, you are not very good at short vowels. You would, for instance, rather say ‘yeees’ than ‘yes’; ‘mulk’ rather than ‘milk’; and ‘bull’ rather than ‘bill’. Your diphthongs frequently expire in a drawl or resolve themselves into triphthongs … Your long vowels tend to be placed in the wrong part of the mouth – ‘harm’, ‘there’ for example. And the things done to the final ‘y’ sound – ‘Anthonee, gloree!’ … Casting a quick (and tactful) glance at your consonants, may I observe that, as a whole, New Zealand tongues are idle. The ‘l’ sound is treacherous. Your plosives, too, tend to disappear without trace. And just a word about the way you ‘manhandle’ the name of your country … [I]s it to be ‘New Zealand’ or ‘Nu Zilland?’