In his very first sentence, Allen Shawn confesses to suffering from phobias. In the next one, he mentions he has written some books. Those who wish to have an idea of the ordeals of someone whose life has been an uphill struggle to achieve a semblance of normality in his day-to-day existence, should read Shawn's achingly beautiful, disarmingly honest and upsetting memoir, Wish I Could Be There (London: Penguin Books, 2007). His music, as far as I know it, bears no trace of any lack of balance. It can be full of joie de vivre; the presence of jazz in a range of compositions lends them an unmistakable American flavor, but his lyrical slow movements refuse to be pigeonholed: they are universal in their humanity.

July 29, 2015

As someone who lacks physical courage, and who has anxieties about many ordinary situations (I suffer from phobias), I know that I often have to summon “courage” just to follow through with the most mundane tasks. At the same time, I have devoted my life to composing music, an activity that is not highly rewarded in our society, which I have supported by teaching, playing the piano, and writing a few books. You might say it takes courage to pursue an activity that is poorly rewarded, is not part of the cultural mainstream, and is utterly intangible. But I wouldn't say that. I make music not because I am courageous, but because doing it is what comes most naturally to me, makes me feel most alive, and helps me make sense of being alive. When I compose a decent piece, or even a decent phrase, I feel that I have justified being on this earth. It is my way of celebrating being alive, and also of participating in the huge world of music. Although the composing itself is solitary, being a part of the world of music and participating as a composer, performer, and teacher is a connection on the deepest level to the world and to other people, past and present. I am therefore very lucky that somehow I have managed to keep composing, and that the urge to do so was not thwarted by circumstance or by my feelings of discouragement and inadequacy.