Preface

The purpose of this book is to gather and integrate under one cover what is presently known to this writer about hurt feelings scientifically and professionally. What is the relationship of these feelings to relational competence, socialization, mental health, and applied disciplines, such as self-help, health promotion, prevention, psychotherapy, and rehabilitation? These feelings are approached, admitted, disclosed, expressed, and shared in intimate communal (close, committed, interdependent, and prolonged) relationships but are avoided (denied, neglected, repressed, or suppressed) either in agentic, instrumental exchanges or in dysfunctional relationships. These feelings must be considered within a ratio of joys and hurts received throughout a lifetime. One cannot consider hurt feelings separately from joys.

I have argued that hurt feelings are avoided by many people, including also functional ones, and by the scientific and professional communities that use a variety of circumlocutions, analogies, or inconsistent avoidance of these feelings. This avoidance has been found in the scientific and professional literatures, as expanded in this volume and in previous publications (L’Abate, 1997, 1999a, 2009b), using terms that avoid dealing directly with hurt feelings, namely distress, negative emotions, social pain, and emotional disturbances. As far back as thirty years ago (L’Abate, 1977), I argued that hurt feelings are at the bottom of our existence, underlying anger, sadness, fears, and disgust. With two students, showed that functional couples preferred disclosure and sharing of these feelings over rational problem solving (Frey et al., 1979).