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4 - Not Choose Not to Be

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  09 December 2022

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Summary

I first met Gerard Manley Hopkins when I was 18, living in a hostel in West Bromwich. I was there as a community service volunteer for eight months between leaving school and starting university. I had recently split up with my girlfriend. I knew nobody at all in the area. I was desperately lonely. One evening I stood for a while, looking over the edge of a motorway bridge, wondering what it would be like to jump off.

Someone – I wish I could remember who – gave me a copy of Robert Bridge's selection of Hopkins’ poetry, and there I found poem 41:

No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,

More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder ring.

Comforter, where, where is your comforting?

Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?

My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief-

Woe, wórld-sorrow; on an áge old anvil wince and sing -

Then lull, then leave off. Fury has shrieked ‘No lingering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief’.

O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall

Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap

May who ne’er hung there. Nor does long our small

Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,

Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all

Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.

These one hundred and twenty-six words resonated so strongly with me, not for any hope they offered (though as we shall see, there may be a little hidden in here), but because I’d found somebody else who felt like I did, had been there himself, was talking my language, who had experienced and shared my anguish and distress, my sense of devastating emptiness. Alongside frequent late-night listenings to the final adagio lamentoso from Tchaikovsky's Symphonie Pathétique, with its fading into nothingness, Hopkins’ poem somehow kept me going. I owe him a lifelong debt of gratitude.

He has been my frequent companion, sometimes haunting but more often inspiring me, ever since. He regularly finds his way into my writings and lectures, including my contribution to Josie Billington's Reading and Mental Health; and my related series of blogposts on ‘sonnet therapy’ in which I propose a course of six of his sonnets as guides on a journey from despair to delight.

Type
Chapter
Information
Reading to Stay Alive
Tolstoy, Hopkins and the Dilemma of Existence
, pp. 61 - 84
Publisher: Anthem Press
Print publication year: 2022

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