Genetic Relatedness: Meanings and Alternatives

Genetics has long been reified as the essence of identity and family relationships; a prerequisite for ‘natural’ love between offspring and progenitors (Freeman, Reference Freeman, Freeman, Graham, Ebtehaj and Richards2014; Kirkman, Reference Kirkman2008). Adults seek to recreate themselves by passing on genes to their offspring, and heterosexual couples seek to consolidate their relationship by bringing their sperm and eggs together. A belief that it is best for children to live with their biological parents is both implicit and explicit in contemporary adoption and fostering systems and underpins policies and practices that aim to reunite children with biological parents or kin.

If medical advice suggests it is even remotely possible, most couples will leave no stone unturned, in their efforts to conceive a child who is genetically related to at least one of them, often at great personal and financial cost. The fact that the woman can experience pregnancy and childbirth is seen as an added benefit (Inhorn, Reference Inhorn2020). Non-genetic parenthood is often viewed as a last resort (Leon, Reference Leon2002). The infertile couple may undergo a period of mourning the inability to conceive a genetically related child with a loved life partner before considering the involvement of a donor. There may also be insecurity about the third party involved, and envy about the gestational experience in the case of surrogacy (Glazer, Reference Glazer2014).

Despite significant advances in ART, discussed in detail in Chapter 2, some heterosexual couples are unable to conceive with sex cells from both parents; if the male partner has a very low sperm count or poor sperm motility, if the woman has stopped producing eggs, or her eggs are not able to be fertilised (generally due to older maternal age), or when the cause of the infertility is not known. When two men or two women are in a relationship, the child conceived can be genetically related to only one of them. There are various combinations in relation to genetic and gestational connectedness: a heterosexual couple can conceive with donated sperm, a donated egg, or a donated embryo. Single women can conceive using donated sperm. A gay male couple can conceive with the sperm of one male and a donated egg (the embryo is transferred to a surrogate). A lesbian couple can conceive using donated sperm; the woman whose egg is fertilised may carry the pregnancy, or the fertilised egg may be transferred to her female partner. When couples conceive with a donated embryo, neither is genetically related to the child, but the woman is gestationally related – she carries the foetus from the time of implantation, and she gives birth to the child. In some cases, heterosexual couples may require a surrogate to ‘carry’ the pregnancy for medical reasons that preclude the woman being pregnant (prior hysterectomy, uterine problems, recurrent miscarriages). In these cases, both parents are genetically related to the child, but the woman is not gestationally related.

The significance of genetic and gestational relatedness can be downplayed or emphasised. Even when downplayed, for many intending parents selection of phenotypic characteristics in the donor is a conscious and carefully planned process. Following a long-established tradition in domestic adoption, couples conceiving with donated sperm or eggs frequently try to select donors who share characteristics with the parent who will not be genetically related to the child (Murphy, Reference Murphy2013; Wojnar & Katzenmeyer, Reference Wojmar and Katzenmeyer2014). Commercial egg and sperm banks advertise for donors based on their phenotypic characteristics, and some even adjust payment rates for characteristics perceived as desirable in a particular culture (for example, height, hair colour, skin colour, ethnicity).

Gestational Relatedness

Recent scientific advances in understanding the neurological and hormonal underpinnings of caregiving draw attention to the biological underpinnings of the caregiving system, emphasised by advocates of natural childbirth, early contact with the infant, and breastfeeding. When conception is achieved with the use of donated sperm, eggs, or embryos, the woman (gestational mother) is able to experience pregnancy, give birth, and breastfeed the child. During pregnancy she experiences changes to her body shape, breasts, sleep patterns, energy, and feels the baby’s movements in the womb, discussed in detail in Chapter 3. Hormonal changes driven by the placenta (surges in oxytocin, oestrogen, progestogen) will influence her emotional state and activate her caregiving system. Her partner will have the opportunity to observe the pregnancy at close range, to attend the birth, and perhaps cut the umbilical cord. When heterosexual couples engage a surrogate, they may both be genetically related to the child, but the commissioning mother does not experience the hormonal and physical changes of pregnancy, childbirth, and lactation. In the case of lesbian couples, only one of the women has these biological experiences. For gay couples, one of the men is likely to be the genetic father of the baby, and there is generally an egg donor and a surrogate (discussed later in this chapter).

Adoptive parents do not experience pregnancy, childbirth, or breastfeeding. They may not see their child as a young infant, and the infant is likely to have had prior experiences with different caregivers. Adoptive parents may or may not have access to information about the birth mother’s identity, her health and circumstances during pregnancy and childbirth, paternity, and the baby’s health and development in early infancy.

Developing a Relationship with the Expected Child

The process of forming an attachment may be more complicated when the child is not genetically related, and even more so if the child is from a different cultural or racial background. For gestational mothers, the experience of pregnancy (including quickening, ultrasound images, hearing the baby’s heartbeat, diurnal rhythms in the baby’s activity levels) is likely to help them accept the viability and individuality of the expected child, and to activate protective feelings and a commitment to caregiving. Those becoming a parent through surrogacy or adoption do not experience these tangible physical confirmations of the baby’s development. Foetal attachment, discussed in detail in Chapters 3 and 5, is largely a projection of maternal and paternal fantasies, however (Raphael-Leff, Reference Raphael-Leff2005), and one that is enhanced by ‘nesting’ activities: planning a nursery, selecting a name for the baby. It is not necessary to be genetically related or to experience pregnancy to engage in fantasies and prepare a nest for the baby, as discussed later in this chapter.

Judgement and Stigma

There is debate about the universality and legitimacy of the ‘right’ to parent. Frame (Reference Frame2008) asserts that the right of a child to know, and be genetically related to, its parents is fundamental, and he opposes the deliberate creation of a child involving an egg or sperm donor, or a surrogate, who will be intentionally alienated. Agnes Bowlby (Reference Bowlby2013) points to the large numbers of children in need of care, and she suggests that the child’s need to be cared for should be placed ahead of the adult’s need to become a genetic parent.

Same-sex couples, having already grappled with discrimination and a lack of social affirmation of their sexuality, are likely to face additional scrutiny and stigma from extended family and the broader community when they announce their intention to have a child (Glazer, Reference Glazer2014). Stigma is more notable when surrogacy is involved due to opposition from those espousing traditional family values, and from some feminists who argue that surrogacy is inherently exploitative of women, based on the widespread perception that women who agree to be surrogates are poverty stricken, socially disadvantaged, and/or vulnerable (Golombok, Reference Golombok2020).

Secrecy and Disclosure

While there has always been diversity in family forms, for most of the twentieth century, only heterosexual couples could become parents through adoption and with the assistance of ART clinics offering treatment involving donated sperm and eggs. The process was shrouded in secrecy to shield both intending parents and donors from stigma, retribution, and accountability. Over the last two decades, changes to legislation and more tolerant social values in most high-income countries have made it possible for non-married and non-heterosexual couples and single women to adopt and to access donated sperm, eggs, and embryos. At the same time, in response to decades of vehement advocacy from donor offspring, legal reforms in many jurisdictions have enshrined the child’s right to know the identity of genetic parents. Nonetheless, non-disclosure remains widespread among heterosexual couples conceiving using donated sperm, eggs, or embryos (Daniels, Reference Daniels, Beier, Brugge, Thorn and Weisemann2020). Same-sex couples are generally unable to hide the use of donated sperm or eggs, but disclosure of the identity of genetic parents remains optional, at least until the child is eighteen years old. While disclosure is becoming more commonplace (Lampic et al., Reference Lampic, Skoog Svanberg, Sorjonen and Sydsjö2021), when families are formed through non-regulated commercial and informal arrangements, it is at the discretion of participants (Dempsey et al., Reference Dempsey, Nordqvist and Kelly2021). The complexities of trans-national surrogacy may make it difficult or impossible for the child conceived through these arrangements to explore their genetic and gestational heritage. Adults intending to become parents with the involvement of third parties will need to grapple with these issues from the outset, and plan for how they will be managed in the longer term.

Couple Relationships and Third-Party Donors and Surrogates

Creating a safe and accepting ‘social’ space for the baby is a key task of pregnancy. Complex arrangements with outside parties (potentially involving birth mothers, donors, surrogates, and their own families) can be disruptive and threatening. The infertile partner in a heterosexual couple may struggle with feelings of blame and shame, as he or she confronts the fact that the fertile partner could conceive a child with someone else (Burns, Reference Burns2007). The decision to use donated gametes requires agreement about how the relationship with the donor (if they are known), and disclosure to the child will be managed. These discussions may activate sensitivities that can destabilise the couple dynamic: the non-genetic parent may fear that disclosure will disrupt their relationship with the child, and may envy the child’s resemblance to the genetic parent (Dempsey et al., Reference Dempsey, Nordqvist and Kelly2021; Imrie et al., Reference Imrie, Jadva, Fishel and Golombok2020).

There is also asymmetry for couples in same-sex relationships. Only one can be genetically related to the baby; and in the case of lesbian couples, only one can be gestationally related. The couple will need to agree about how the sperm or egg donor, or surrogate (if known) is integrated into the family system, and about the extent of involvement of the donor with the child. Like all couples becoming parents, it is challenging to re-orient as two become three, with inevitable changes in attention, emotional availability, and the sexual relationship, which can leave the partner less involved in primary caregiving feeling excluded (Wojmar & Katzenmeyer, Reference Wojmar and Katzenmeyer2014).

Relationships with Extended Family

Grandparents are key stakeholders in their children’s reproductive choices. Pregnancies are generally proudly shared with grandparents and extended families, particularly in collectivist cultures. The process of conception is private, however. Some heterosexual couples may choose to keep the use of donated gametes secret, due to family, religious, or cultural beliefs. This can lead to conflicting and competing needs for privacy and family support, as the intending parents navigate invasive and emotionally taxing screening and medical procedures (Nordqvist & Smart, Reference Nordqvist and Smart2014). Same-sex couples face additional challenges as they explain their plans to have a baby, and the complex procedures required. They may encounter disapproval and worry that their child will be rejected by extended family and experience stigma in the future (Golombok et al., Reference Golombok, Lycett, MacCallum, Jadva, Murray, Rust, Abdalla, Jenkins, Margara and Kazak2004).

Relationships with Donors, Surrogates, Birth Parents

How is the prospective donor or surrogate to be selected? Should there be contact prior to the birth? After the birth? What form will the relationship take? Sometimes the egg or embryo donor or surrogate is a family member, sometimes a close friend. A new (or different) relationship will need to be negotiated. In cases of open adoption or fostering, the adoptive parents will need to work with the birth mother and the agency to arrive at a level of social connection that is comfortable for all of them.

The above discussion has reviewed the psycho-social adaptations common to all prospective parents during the transition to parenthood. Some of the additional challenges faced by those who take alternative pathways have been outlined in broad terms. In the next section, we turn to the research on adjustment during the transition to parenthood for those becoming a parent using donated sperm, egg, or embryo, or through surrogacy. The chapter concludes with stories of complex alternative pathways to parenthood: two women who adopt and two men who become parents with the assistance of ART and surrogacy.

Becoming a Parent through Donor Insemination (DI)

When conception through sperm donation is managed in an ART clinic, medical screening of sperm is mandatory. Many ART clinics collaborate with overseas sperm banks, and require that the legislative requirements in the recipient’s home country be met before they accept exported sperm. Women can, however, independently purchase sperm online from commercial sperm banks (often in a different country, with the United States a major supplier), and use ‘direct insemination’ at home. Conceiving with donated sperm is part of a mercantile process: there are detailed catalogues (displaying photographs, hobbies, religion, academic achievements of donors). The sperm from the selected donor is mailed, frozen in a cannister, to the purchaser. Sperm donation has always provoked social anxiety, with images of adultery and incest and worry about bloodlines, and inheritance. Psychotherapist Joan Raphael-Leff (Reference Raphael-Leff2005) describes intra-psychic challenges a woman may experience when pregnant with donated sperm; the sense of a ‘foreign body’ (p. 97) within her, anxiety about who the baby will look like, and fantasies about the donor.

Becoming a Parent through Egg Donation

When a couple conceives using egg donation, the father may be genetically related, but the mother is not. As discussed earlier, the expectant mother experiences pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding and all the hormonal and neurological changes that go along with that. There is limited empirical evidence on adjustment during the transition to parenthood, with some studies retrospectively exploring the experience of pregnancy.

Golombok and colleagues (Reference Golombok, Lycett, MacCallum, Jadva, Murray, Rust, Abdalla, Jenkins, Margara and Kazak2004) found no differences in mood or relationship satisfaction comparing fifty-one parents conceiving through egg donation with eighty naturally conceiving parents when their infants were aged between nine and twelve months, however there was some concern about potential stigma in the egg-donation group. More recently, Imrie and colleagues (Reference Imrie, Jadva, Fishel and Golombok2019) explored psychological health and the couple relationship during early parenthood (infants aged between six and eighteen months) in fifty-seven heterosexual couples conceiving through egg donation compared with fifty-six couples conceiving through IVF, where both parents were genetically related to the child. There were more similarities than differences on questionnaire measures of mood, relationship satisfaction, and parenting stress. Scores were generally within the normal range, with some increased vulnerability related to older parental age. Older mothers conceiving through egg donation reported less social support from family, but adequate support from friendship groups and older fathers whose partner had conceived through egg donation reported poorer psychological health.

Becoming a Parent through Embryo Donation

Embryo donation is like adoption in that neither parent is genetically related to the child. There are marked differences, however. The rigorous screening protocols that are typically prerequisites for adoption generally don’t apply. Embryo recipients, like donor egg recipients, see the gestational connection during pregnancy and childbirth as significant for developing an attachment relationship to the unborn baby and they value the opportunity to exercise control over the antenatal environment (Goedeke & Daniels, Reference Goedeke and Daniels2017). As is the case for egg and sperm donation, recipient parents need to accept the lack of a genetic link with their child, and consider if, when, and how, they will tell the child of its origins. MacCallum and Keeley (Reference MacCallum and Keeley2012) found that many couples conceiving through ‘closed’ embryo donation do not intend to tell the child, and even when they do have such plans, they often don’t enact them. Recent practice changes that support early and ongoing contact between donors and recipients have reduced the potential for secrecy in Australia (Jacob, Reference Jacob2017) and in the United Kingdom (Golombok, Reference Golombok2020), with implications for how communication and contact with the donor couple and their children will be managed.

Becoming a Parent through Surrogacy

Secrecy is not an option for parents having a baby with the assistance of a surrogate. They will need to explain to everyone how they became parents, and they are likely to experience disapproval and stigma (Golombok, Reference Golombok2020). When surrogates are known, the intending parents will need to negotiate with them regarding the degree of contact and their own involvement in the pregnancy and birth. When they are unknown, intending parents may feel excluded or remote from the gestational process, with potential concerns about the surrogate’s feelings about relinquishing the child, and the potential for commercial exploitation, discussed in more detail later in this chapter.

Despite the complexity and controversy associated with this path to parenthood, available research suggests positive parenting outcomes.Heterosexual couples conceiving with the involvement of a surrogate who participated in the UK longitudinal study have been compared with parents conceiving through egg donation, and with naturally conceiving parents across childhood, from one year after birth through to adolescence. Estimated to represent about 60 per cent of the eligible families, 70 per cent of the study participants had used an unknown surrogate. Results indicated that those becoming parents with the involvement of a surrogate reported more positively than the naturally conceiving parents on most study measures (parenting stress, depression, enjoyment of parenting, warmth, and attachment behaviours directed to the child) at each of the early study follow-ups (Golombok et al., Reference Golombok, Lycett, MacCallum, Jadva, Murray, Rust, Abdalla, Jenkins, Margara and Kazak2004, Reference Golombok, Jadva, Lycett, Murray and MacCallum2006). Outcomes were not related to whether the surrogate parents were genetically related to the child, however parent adjustment was more positive in cases where the surrogate was a relative or friend (Golombok et al., Reference Golombok, Lycett, MacCallum, Jadva, Murray, Rust, Abdalla, Jenkins, Margara and Kazak2004). The small numbers and significant attrition limit generalisability, and there is a clear need for more research. There is no published evidence to date on adjustment during pregnancy; a time when managing the relationship with the surrogate may be particularly challenging. There is, however, emerging research on relations between intending gay fathers and surrogates (perhaps the largest group becoming parents via surrogacy) discussed later in this chapter.

Two Mothers: Becoming Parents as a Lesbian Couple

While women have raised children together over many generations, families initiated by openly identified lesbian couples deciding to become parents together are a relatively recent phenomenon. There is limited research on the decision-making process, and their experience of pregnancy and the transition to parenthood. Some lesbian couples will choose to foster or adopt a child (discussed later in this chapter). The choice to conceive using insemination with donor sperm (DI) is increasingly the preferred pathway (Patterson, Reference Patterson and Bornstein2019). In common with all women becoming pregnant through DI, there are practical decisions to be made regarding the method of conception (home or clinic), and the involvement of the sperm donor in the child’s life. There may be additional challenges: reconciling a maternal with a lesbian identity, confronting the potentially divisive relational dynamics of choosing which of the women will become pregnant and be genetically related to the child, and, in some cases, hostility and opposition from extended family (Wojnar & Katzenmeyer, Reference Wojmar and Katzenmeyer2014).

Two Fathers: Becoming Parents as a Gay Couple

The numbers of gay men expressing a desire to become parents together is growing (Guzzo & Hayford, Reference Guzzo and Hayford2020). It is not an easy path, however, as the gap between desire and intention to parent is larger for gay men than for lesbian women (Patterson, Reference Patterson and Bornstein2019). Social barriers are similar: there may be a lack of support from the family of origin for some, as well as social stigma and a questioning of entitlement to parent (Murphy, Reference Murphy2013). These barriers can be even more daunting for men, as they need to engage with complex and costly arrangements involving Assisted Reproductive Technology (including surrogacy), or adoption (Patterson, Reference Patterson and Bornstein2019). The pathway chosen is likely to be influenced by financial, medical, and legal considerations (see Josh’s story at the end of this chapter).

Transgender and Gender Non-Binary Parents

Sex and gender are in alignment for some individuals and not for others. A growing number of adolescents and adults are identifying as transgender or gender non-binary (TGNB) (Tornello et al., Reference Tornello, Riskind and Babić2019). Research is only beginning to emerge on their pathways to parenthood, their experiences of pregnancy and early parenthood, and family wellbeing. In the most substantial study to date, Tornello and colleagues reviewed pathways to parenthood for 311 TGNB parents from diverse geographical locations in the United States. Most became parents through biological means rather than adoption or fostering. Those with a partner assigned a different sex at birth generally did so through sexual intercourse, and those whose partner was assigned the same sex at birth conceived using an egg or sperm donor, generally with ART). Transgender women (assigned male at birth) were likely to become parents before their gender transition, while transgender men (assigned female at birth) and gender nonbinary adults were more likely to become parents after gender transition. Tornello and colleagues point out that this can present significant emotional and biological challenges due to the need to stop hormone therapy and deal with the physical changes of pregnancy. The younger participants in this large study were more likely to become parents after their gender transition, likely due to changing social norms, however many reported difficulties finding health providers who would work with them in culturally sensitive ways tailored to their individual needs.

Similar challenges were reported in a smaller British Study, where researchers interviewed eleven transgender parents about their experiences. Respondents found the transition to parenthood to be a very stressful time, as they negotiated non-supportive and judgmental attitudes in IVF and adoption services (Bower-Brown & Zadeh, Reference Bower-Brown and Zadeh2021). Riggs and Bartholomaeus (2020) discuss the need for trans-inclusive fertility education that allows adolescents who intend transition to make informed decisions regarding fertility preservation options at the time when decisions are being made about puberty suppression, so that the option of biological parenthood remains open in the future. Riggs and Bartholomaeus caution that education programs need to ensure informed choice, whilst avoiding pronatalist pressure. We return to these issues in Chapter 9.

An exploratory study by Imrie and colleagues (Reference Imrie, Jadva, Fishel and Golombok2020) examined family functioning and parent–child relationships in thirty-five families with transgender parents, using the multi-informant, multi-method approach employed in the UK longitudinal study of non-traditional families. Results indicated generally good quality relationships and positive child adjustment (compared with normative British data) during middle childhood, however the researchers acknowledged the small sample size, which is problematic given the heterogeneity of the sample – there were diverse family structures, a broad age range of children and parents, and many different methods of achieving parenthood. Child wellbeing was related to relationships within the family, and to parent stress, depression, and social support, rather than parent sexuality, gender identity, or family type.

Who Adopts?

The profile of adopting parents is changing. More lesbian, gay, trans and gender non-binary couples, and professional single women are now able to adopt as social attitudes have become more inclusive and liberal (Guzzo & Hayford, Reference Guzzo and Hayford2020). The capacity of adoptive parents to adapt to the stress of the transition to parenthood is influenced by characteristics of the adoptive context (the child’s age, trauma, and placement history, whether the adoption is intercountry or domestic, whether it is an open or closed adoption), and their own psycho-social resources and vulnerabilities (Belsky, Reference Belsky1984). Adoptive parents are generally older, well educated, financially well-resourced, and have been in a couple relationship for some time (Palacios & Brodzinsky, Reference Palacios and Brodzinsky2010). Perhaps due to extensive screening and scrutiny of their suitability, they are typically high-functioning adults with excellent potential and high motivation to parent. Research shows that both heterosexual (Calvo et al., Reference Calvo, Palmieri, Codamo, Scampoli and Bianco2015) and gay adoptive parents (Goldberg et al., Reference Goldberg, Downing and Moyer2012) are likely to have positive recall of their own parents, secure attachment styles, positive relationships with partners, and healthy psychological functioning. They are, therefore, well placed to negotiate stressful life transitions and to provide the corrective attachment experiences that children need after trauma, abandonment, and institutionalised care.

The two partners are more equal travellers during the transition to parenthood than is the case for heterosexual couples conceiving spontaneously, or for same-sex couples conceiving through sperm and egg donation (as discussed previously). The lengthy screening process and intensive planning also make it more likely that any differences in expectations and potential conflicts will be identified and dealt with before the child arrives.

The Process of Becoming a Parent through Adoption: Women’s Experiences

In their quantitative study with a large, randomly selected, and nationally representative US population sample, Ceballo and colleagues (Reference Ceballo, Lansford, Abbey and Stewart2004) found more similarities than differences during the transition to parenthood for adoptive compared with biological parents. Where there were differences, they were in the direction of more favourable adjustment for the adoptive parents, who reported less marital strain and higher satisfaction with becoming a parent. The researchers acknowledged that the children in this study were adopted during infancy, did not have special needs, and that the study relied only on self-report data.

Two in-depth qualitative studies shed some light on how adoptive mothers adapt as they prepare for their child and cope with the challenges of early encounters. Sandelowski and colleagues (Reference Sandelowski, Harris and Holditch-Davis1993) interviewed thirty-five infertile American women waiting to adopt domestically. Almost ten years later, Solchany (Reference Solchany2000) interviewed twenty-one American women after they had adopted a child from China. Women in both studies described a lengthy period of ‘hoping to be parents’ with no clear starting point, no guaranteed due date, no pregnancy landmarks, no public signs to show others they were expecting a child, and no cultural rituals or scripts. Several used the term ‘disembodied’, describing an acute sense that there was a child somewhere, out there, but not inside. Nonetheless, it was a rich period of anticipation: ‘a dynamic interlude in which they actively worked to … transform disadvantage into advantage’ (Sandelowski et al., Reference Sandelowski, Harris and Holditch-Davis1993; p. 482). Like women pregnant after egg or embryo donation, adoptive parents downplayed the importance of genetics, pointing out that there was no guarantee that a genetically related child would be a good temperamental fit for parents, and that love was not contingent on a biological connection, as evident in their love for their partners.

The parents-in-waiting constructed fantasies about the child, the birth, and the birth parents. Sometimes a photograph offered a material reality. The pregnancy was experienced cautiously – in the earlier study, all participants had prior experiences of reproductive loss, and they were careful to limit their emotional investment: As one woman put it, ‘I put a shield up over my heart’ (Sandelowski et al., Reference Sandelowski, Harris and Holditch-Davis1993; p. 473). There was a poignant awareness that their gain represented a loss for the relinquishing mother. In cases where there were ‘matching criteria’, some of the women invoked fate, and magical thinking. They felt it was worth waiting for the right child: ‘when all the elements come together at the proper time, when we get her, we’ll be able to say, “She’s the one”.’ (p. 477). There were dilemmas, too, about the difficult choices adoptive parents are asked to make. One of the women, who had indicated that she would not accept a handicapped child, felt uncomfortable and guilty about the ‘commodification’ implicit in setting criteria that were acceptable to her (p. 479).

In Solchany’s (Reference Solchany2000) study of international adoption, intending mothers were troubled by the ethics of taking a child from one country to another. When they finally met the baby, many didn’t feel entitled to call her their own. Conscious of the intimate pre-birth connections the baby had experienced with another woman, they worried that they would be rejected. Several described the challenge of having their first contact with the child in a public setting, dealing with the ‘curt’ business-like manner of the officials, and feeling like they were on trial or probation. One mother, who was suddenly presented with an older baby in a crowded waiting room in a foreign country, was unable to settle her, no matter what she tried:

Adoptive parents need to reconcile the actual baby with the imagined baby, as all parents must do. This can be complicated by the need to come to terms with the child’s history. When the baby’s history was not available, imagined histories and birth mothers often loomed large for adoptive parents. They created elaborate reconstructions of the background to the adoption, attributing altruistic motives to the birth mother regarding the child’s abandonment or relinquishment, but this in turn made them feel more guilt and empathy for her loss.

Adoptive mothers work through the challenges of forming a relationship with their baby in their own way, in their own time, and in the context of their own attachment history (Sandelowski et al., Reference Sandelowski, Harris and Holditch-Davis1993; Solchany, Reference Solchany2000). Like all new parents, the baby’s behaviour can be baffling at first, but gradually rendered understandable through observation, and ascribing meaning to the child’s cues and signals. New parents may seek to ‘normalise’ challenging behaviour, for example interpreting crying and unsettled behaviour as evidence that the child had been securely attached prior to adoption. Some cope by minimising the significance of the child’s pre-adoption trauma, and try to avoid thinking about it (Skandrani et al., Reference Skandrani, Harf and El Husseini2019). Others may positively reframe, believing that due to their complex history, adopted babies have a deeper understanding of the world – a deeper awareness, attunement to joy, and capacity for happiness. (Solchany, Reference Solchany2000). As noted earlier, these idealised expectations may make it more difficult for adoptive parents to acknowledge and accept the protracted timeframe for establishing a relationship with the child and the inevitable hurdles they are likely to face.

Same-Sex Parents Adopting: Adoptive Fathers’ Perspectives

There has been very little research attention directed to fathers’ experiences of adoption, and most of the existing work focuses on gay fathers. Same-sex couples are more likely than heterosexual couples to adopt children (Gates, Reference Gates2015) and gay men are more likely to pursue adoption than are lesbian women (Golombok, Reference Golombok2020). The willingness to adopt may be related to a greater valuing of relational than genetic ties in sexual minorities (Goldberg et al., Reference Goldberg, Downing and Moyer2012) and the fact that biological parenthood via surrogacy is so complex and inaccessible to many, due to extremely high costs. Goldberg and colleagues studied motivations for parenthood among seventy men (thirty-five gay male couples) who were planning to adopt, and they found a high concordance with the motivations described for heterosexual couples: they were strongly influenced by their partner’s desire for a child and expressed altruistic motives to share their considerable financial resources and give a child in need a better chance in life.

The limited empirical research has studied fathers from middle- to upper-middle class backgrounds, typical of those who adopt. Few studies have included comparison groups of heterosexual fathers or lesbian mothers (Carneiro et al., Reference Carneiro, Tasker, Salinas-Quiroz, Leal and Costa2017). Some have suggested that men in same-sex couples may experience a more stressful pathway through adoptive parenthood than do heterosexual and lesbian couples due to stigma, discriminatory attitudes, and questioning of their entitlement to parent (Golombok et al., Reference Golombok, Mellish, Jennings, Tasker, Casey and Lamb2014). The few available studies, however, report comparable parenting stress to heterosexual fathers and other adoptive parents (Farr, Reference Farr2016; Golombok et al., Reference Golombok, Mellish, Jennings, Tasker, Casey and Lamb2014) and comparable warmth and sensitivity as a basis for secure attachment with their children (Carneiro et al., Reference Carneiro, Tasker, Salinas-Quiroz, Leal and Costa2017). One study with a francophone Canadian sample of ninety-two gay adoptive fathers (forty-six couples) reported a more egalitarian division of tasks and high levels of involvement in childcare compared with community normative data (Feugé et al., Reference Feugé, Cossette, Cyr and Julien2019).