Sketch 1

SAXONWOLD SHEBEEN

The character is a BARMAN standing behind a well-stocked bar. He has an Indian accent.

BARMAN: Hello, welcome to the Saxonwold shebeen. How may you help us? No, no, really, how may you help us? And then, we’ll tell you how we can help you. We already have the president. The Indians have the chief, yes. We have the finance minister and half the cabinet. We have all the state-owned enterprises. We just need a bank. And now, maybe a few judges.

While you think about asking not what we can do for you … let me introduce you to our cocktail menu.

[As if pointing to a blackboard behind him with the names written on them.]

There's Sex on the Beach. Sex in a Mineshaft. Sex at Nkandla. Basically,

we’re happy for the South African taxpayer to be screwed anywhere.

We’ve got everyone's favourite, the Bloody Mary. Although we call it the Bloody Thuli. Same ingredients, but with a little bit of arsenic.

Then there's the Babalas Dlamini, after the Minister for Her Personal Welfare. [Conspiratorially.] You know, even we feel a little embarrassed by that one!

We have a special cocktail for students to honour their uprising, which, as you know, started with throwing shit at a statue – that's the Tequila Mocking Turd.

The Negroni is a mix of cheap darkies who will do whatever we want, and won't be shaken or stirred by things like … a constitution.

Besides the cocktails, we also serve Oros. I think he's over the age limit.

And we have some crafty beers!

There's the Lying Lager. If we get caught out, we just keep on lying.

We also have the Hansie Pilsner. That's the beer of the last resort – if our alternative facts don't work out and our emails are leaked, we just say ‘the devil made us do it’. Apparently, the devil's not too happy with some of the things we do here.

Our premier league drinks are Ace Cider, Mabhuza Ale and Supra Brew! We have gin and tonic – here we just call it the Zille. She's not part of the premier league, but she may as well be. Very helpful to our faction.

Our good friend Brian Molefe has a cocktail in his honour; it's the Kamikaze. Brian put our shebeen on the map.