Examples

A younger brother wants to “hang out” with his older brother and be at the same place as the older one, but the older brother finds that the younger one “cramps his style” and prefers not to have the younger one around. So the situation is one of hide and seek, with the older brother doing the hiding and the younger, the seeking. In marriages, situations of this type are sometimes reflected in a general conflict over closeness. One member of the couple wants a close relationship while the partner wants more independence. (Christensen and Heavey report that in heterosexual pairs, it is usually the woman who wants closeness.)

Athletic competitions, whether they be individual or team contests, involve one situation of this sort after another. The concepts of “offense” and “defense” are based on the distinction between different preferences about being “with” or being “separate from” another person or team: The offense wants to go to a location different from where the defense is located but the defense wants to be where the offense is. The preferences can shift rapidly. For example, in baseball the batter wants to swing where the ball “is” but then wants the ball to travel to where the fielders “aren't.” In other words, the batter “defends” the plate (as the coach often instructs the Little Leaguer) but acts offensively in relation to the other team's defense. In boxing, each man shifts from defensive dodging to offensive striking on a moment-by-moment basis.