In Chapter One, we looked at the desired outcome of the control strategy – happiness as security. We think that, by going to war with reality, we can achieve a stable set circumstances – the perfect job, relationship, home and so on – which will give us a lasting sense of meaning and satisfaction. The problem with this idea is that our lives are inherently insecure. There are things we can do to be happier and more secure, but we can never eliminate insecurity from our lives entirely.

Okay, so we can't live happily ever after. But does that mean we should stop trying to control our lives to our liking? After all, there are circumstances that make us happier, even if they do not make us happy. We may eventually lose our war with reality, but the strategy of control might still be worth it for the few battles we win along the way.

In this chapter, we will see why this process of control is problematic. By trying to control everything in our lives to our liking – solving all our problems, protecting ourselves from our fears and achieving all our goals – we might well make ourselves a bit happier. But, in the process, we are likely to miss out on many of the things in life that matter.

Happiness and control

What really matters

Let us begin by considering the past few days. Most likely, you’ve spent a large amount of time in your own problem-solving bubble – made up of all the things in your life you feel you can control to your liking. You may have woken up with a to-do list already in your head – a list of pressures and demands on your time, some threats or anxious thoughts on your mind, or a number of small achievable goals to tick off throughout the day. Between work and necessities, like sleep and feeding yourself, you may have organised to meet up with some friends, do some physical or cultural activities or spend time with loved ones. In general, you may have been successful at all these things – protecting yourself from anything going too wrong, but also finding time to do some of the things you enjoy and care about. If only there were more hours in the day, you could have been even more successful.