FATHERS, MOTHERS, AND THE GENDER WAR

Family law is largely about distributing loss. Of course, it is rarely described as such. When judges make decisions about where children will live and how much contact the other parent will have, their decisions are cloaked in the optimistic language of the “best interests” of children. Similarly, when making decisions about property, courts may use the language of equitable distribution of assets, as if what is being divided are the gains of the marriage. In one sense it may be so. Yet in divorce, as is often said, there are no winners. When it is not possible for the children to live in the same household with both parents, neither parent will usually have as much time with the children as he or she had during the intact marriage. When one household is divided into two, neither party to the marriage can keep as much of the property as they enjoyed during the marriage. The courts must endeavor to split the loss equitably between them.

Because marriage breakdown involves so much loss, it is also a period of grieving. Anger is a natural stage in grieving, and whereas in the death of a loved one, the grieving person may be able to rail only against the heavens, in the death of a marriage, there are far more tangible targets. There is the ex-spouse, his or her solicitor, men's groups, the feminist movement, the courts, or perhaps the family law legislation itself.