Skip to main content Accessibility help

We use cookies to distinguish you from other users and to provide you with a better experience on our websites. Close this message to accept cookies or find out how to manage your cookie settings.

Close cookie message
×
Hostname: page-component-8448b6f56d-m8qmq Total loading time: 0 Render date: 2024-04-25T04:36:26.189Z Has data issue: false hasContentIssue false

16 - Hurt in Postdivorce Relationships

from PART IV - HURT IN RELATIONAL CONTEXTS

Published online by Cambridge University Press:  04 August 2010

By
Sandra Metts ,
Dawn O. Braithwaite  and
Mark A. Fine
Edited by
Anita L. Vangelisti
Anita L. Vangelisti
Affiliation:
University of Texas, Austin
Get access

Summary

The termination of any valued relationship through which individuals meet their needs for inclusion and affection and in which they have invested tangible and psychological resources is emotionally involving. The loss of a close friend, a dating partner, and even a coworker can evoke strong emotional responses. However, divorce and its emotional aftermath are unique experiences. Not only is the marriage union publicly recognized and officially validated, but its dissolution is likewise publicly recognized and officially recorded. Joint property must be redistributed and living space must be changed for one or both partners. Perhaps most problematic, when children are involved, decisions about custody, visitation, and coparenting must be negotiated. In short, a system of affective, identity-relevant, and structural connections must be explicitly acknowledged and realigned – a process that Emery (Sbarra & Emery, 2006) refers to as “renegotiating relationships” because partners who are also parents can never completely terminate their relationship.

Needless to say, the process of divorce and the subsequent challenges inherent in renegotiating postdivorce relationships involve the experience and expression of complex and often contradictory emotions. Depending on the proximate cause of the divorce (e.g., a critical event such as the discovery of an affair or simply a slow drifting apart), partners and children may experience social emotions such as embarrassment and shame; self-focused emotions such as guilt, sorrow, regret, and fear; or other-focused emotions such as anger and resentment.

Type
Chapter
Information
Feeling Hurt in Close Relationships , pp. 336 - 356
Publisher: Cambridge University Press
Print publication year: 2009

Access options

Get access to the full version of this content by using one of the access options below. (Log in options will check for institutional or personal access. Content may require purchase if you do not have access.)

References

Adamsons, K., & Pasley, K. (2006). Coparenting following divorce and relationship dissolution. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 241–261). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Afifi, T. D. (2003). “Feeling caught” in stepfamilies: Managing boundary turbulence through appropriate privacy coordination rules. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 20, 729–755.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Afifi, T. D., & Hamrick, K. (2006). Communication processes that promote risk and resiliency in postdivorce families. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 435–456). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Bartlett, K. T. (1999). Improving the law relating to postdivorce arrangements for children. In Thompson, R. A. & Amato, P. R. (Eds.), The postdivorce family: Children, parenting, and society (pp. 71–102). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Baxter, L. A, Braithwaite, D. O., Bryant, L., & Wagner, A. (2004). Stepchildren's perceptions of the contradictions in communication with stepparents. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21, 447–467.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Bettes, B. A. (1988). Maternal depression and motherese: Temporal and intonational features. Child Development, 59, 1089–1096.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Bokker, P. (2006). Factors that influence the relationships between divorced fathers and their children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 45, 157–172.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Braithwaite, D. O., & Baxter, L. A. (2006). “You're my parent but you're not”: Dialectical tensions in stepchildren's perceptions about communicating with the nonresidential parent. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 34, 30–48.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Braithwaite, D. O., Baxter, L. A., & Harper, A. (1998). The role of rituals in the management of the dialectical tension of “old” and “new” in blended families. Communication Studies, 48, 101–120.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Braithwaite, D. O., McBride, M. C., & Schrodt, P. (2003). Parent teams and the everyday interactions of co-parenting children in stepfamilies. Communication Reports, 16, 93–111.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Braithwaite, D. O., Schrodt, P., & Baxter, L. A. (2006). Communication in stepfamily relationships: Understudied and misunderstood. In Floyd, K. & Morman, M. T. (Eds.), Widening the family circle: New research on family communication (pp. 153–170). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Braithwaite, D. O., Toller, P., Daas, K., Durham, W., & Jones, A. (2008). Centered, but not caught in the middle: Stepchildren's perceptions of contradictions of the communication of co-parents. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 36, 33–55.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Burleson, B. R., & Goldsmith, D. J. (1998). How the comforting process works: Alleviating emotional distress through conversationally induced reappraisals. In Andersen, P. A. & Guerrero, L. K. (Eds.), Handbook of communication and emotion: Research, theory, applications, and contexts (pp. 245–280). San Diego: Academic Press.Google Scholar
Coleman, M., Fine, M. A., Ganong, L. G., Downs, K. M., & Pauk, N. (2001). When you're not the Brady Bunch: Identifying perceived conflicts and resolution strategies in stepfamilies. Personal Relationships, 8, 57–73.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Coleman, M., Ganong, L. H., & Fine, M. (2000). Reinvestigating remarriage: Another decade of progress. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 1288–1307.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Coleman, M., Ganong, L. H., & Fine, , , M. (2004). Communication in stepfamilies. In Vangelisti, A. L. (Ed.), Handbook of family communication (pp. 215–232). Mahwah, NJ:Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Coleman, M., Ganong, L. H., & Hans, J. (2006). Divorce as prelude to stepfamily living and the consequences of redivorce. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 409–434). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Crosbie-Burnett, M., & Giles-Sims, J. (1991). Marital power in stepfather families: A test of normative-resource theory. Journal of Family Psychology, 4, 484–496.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Ekman, P., & Davidson, R. J. (1994). The nature of emotion: Fundamental questions. New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Ekman, P., & Friesen, W. V. (1975). Unmasking the face. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.Google Scholar
Feeney, J. A. (2004). Hurt feelings in couple relationships: Toward integrative models of the negative effects of hurtful events. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21, 487–508.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Fine, M. A., & Olson, K. (1997). Hurt and anger in response to provocation: Relations to aspects of adjustment. Journal of Social Behavior and Personality, 12, 325–344.Google Scholar
Fitness, J. (2001). Betrayal, rejection, revenge, and forgiveness: An interpersonal script approach. In Leary, M. R. (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection (pp. 73–103). New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Fitness, J., & Duffield, J. (2004). Emotion and communication in families. In Vangelisti, A. L. (Ed.), Handbook of family communication (pp. 473–494). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Freedman, S., & Knupp, A. (2003). The impact of forgiveness on adolescent adjustment to parental divorce. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 39, 135–165.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Frijda, N. H. (1994). Emotions are functional, most of the time. In Ekman, P. & Davidson, R. J. (Eds.), The nature of emotion: Fundamental questions (pp. 113–122). New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Frijda, N. H., & Mesquita, B. (1994). The social roles and functions of emotions. In Kitayama, S. & Markus, H. R. (Eds.), Emotion and culture: Empirical studies of mutual influence (pp. 51–87). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Galvin, K., Dickson, F., & Marrow, S. (2006). Systems theory: Patterns and (w)holes in family communication. In Braithwaite, D. O. & Baxter, L. A. (Eds.), Engaging theories in family communication: Multiple perspectives (pp. 309–324). Thousand Oaks CA: Sage.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Ganong, L. H., & Coleman, M. (1994). Remarried family relationships. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.Google Scholar
Ganong, L. H., & Coleman, M. (2004). Stepfamily relationships: Development, dynamics, and interventions. New York: Kluwer Academic.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Ganong, L. H., Coleman, M., Fine, M., & Martin, P. (1999). Stepparents' affinity-seeking and affinity-maintaining strategies with stepchildren. Journal of Family Issues, 20, 299–327.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Golish, T. D. (2003). Stepfamily communication strengths: Understanding the ties that bind. Human Communication Research, 29, 41–80.Google Scholar
Goodman, C. R., & Shippy, R. A. (2002). Is it contagious? Affect similarity among spouses. Aging & Mental Health, 6, 266–274.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2005). Forgiveness in couples: Divorce, infidelity, and couples therapy. In Worthington, Jr. E. L. (Ed.), Handbook of forgiveness (pp. 407–421). New York: Routledge.Google Scholar
Gump, B. B., & Kulik, J. A. (1997). Stress, affiliation, and emotional contagion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72, 305–319.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Hall, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2006). Relationship dissolution following infidelity. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 153–168). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Harvey, J. H., & Fine, M. A. (2004). Children of divorce: Stories of loss and hope. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1992). Primitive emotional contagion. In Clark, M. S. (Ed.), Emotion and social behavior (pp. 151–177). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.Google Scholar
Hetherington, E. M., Hagen, M. S., & Anderson, E. R. (1989). Marital transitions: A child's perspective. American Psychologist, 44, 303–312.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Hopper, J. (2001). The symbolic origins of conflict in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63, 430–445.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Izard, C. E., & Ackerman, B. P. (2000). Motivational, organizational, and regulatory functions of discrete emotions. In Lewis, M. & Haviland-Jones, J. M. (Eds.), Handbook of emotions (2nd ed., pp. 253–264). New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Johnston, J. R., & Campbell, L. E. G. (1988). Impasses of divorce. New York: Free Press.Google Scholar
Kennedy-Moore, E., & Watson, J. C. (1999). Expressing emotion: Myths, realities, and therapeutic strategies. New York: Guilford.Google Scholar
Lamb, E. N. (2004, July). The experience and expression of emotion within stepsibling relationships. Presented at the meeting of the International Association for Relationship Research, Madison, WI.Google Scholar
Lamb, E. N. (2006). The experience and expression of emotion within stepsibling relationships: How politeness of expression affects stepfamily functioning. Unpublished manuscript, University of Nebraska-Lincoln.Google Scholar
Lazarus, R. S. (2006). Emotions and interpersonal relationships: Toward a person-centered conceptualization of emotions and coping. Journal of Personality, 74, 9–46.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (1984). Stress, appraisal, and coping. New York: Springer.Google Scholar
Leary, M. R., Koch, E. J., & Hechenbleikner, N. R. (2001). Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection. In Leary, M. R. (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection (pp. 145–166). New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Leary, M. R., Springer, C., Negel, L., Ansell, E., & Evans, K. (1998). The causes, phenomenology, and consequences of hurt feelings. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 1225–1237.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Malatesta, C. Z., & Haviland, J. M. (1982). Learning display rules: The socialization of emotion expression in infancy, Child Development, 53, 991–1003.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
May, L. N., & Jones, W. H. (2005). Differential reactions to hurt. Journal of Worry and Affective Experience, 1, 54–59.Google Scholar
Metts, S. (2000). Face and facework: Implications for the study of personal relationship. In Dindia, K. & Duck, S. (Eds.), Communication and personal relationships (pp. 77–94). New York: Wiley.Google Scholar
Metts, S., & Cupach, W. R. (1995). Postdivorce relations. In Fitzpatrick, M. A. & Vangelisti, A. L. (Eds.), Explaining family interactions (pp. 232–251). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Metts, S., & Cupach, W. R. (2007). Responses to relational transgressions: Hurt, anger, and sometimes forgiveness. In Spitzberg, B. & Cupach, W. R. (Eds.), The dark side of interpersonal communication (2nd ed., pp. 243–274). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Miller, A. E. (2007, November). Divorced coparents' strategies for disclosing post-divorce dating to one another. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the National Communication Association, Chicago.Google Scholar
Murray, S. L. (2005). Regulating the risks of closeness: A relationship-specific sense of felt security. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14, 74–78.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Murray, S. L., Bellavia, G. M., Rose, P., & Griffin, D. W. (2003). Once hurt, twice hurtful: How perceived regard regulates daily marital interactions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 126–147.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, , , D. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70, 79–98.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Rollie, S. S., & Duck, S. (2006). Stage models and their limitations. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 223–240). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Rosenberg, E. B., & Hajal, F. (1985). Stepsibling relationships in remarried families. Social Casework: The Journal of Contemporary Social Work, 66, 287–292.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Sbarra, D. A., & Emery, R. E. (2006). In the presence of grief: The role of cognitive-emotional adaptation in contemporary divorce mediation. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 553–573). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Schacter, S. (1959). The psychology of affiliation. Palo Alto, CA: Stanford University Press.Google Scholar
Schrodt, P., Baxter, L. A., McBride, C., Braithwaite, D. O., & Fine, M. A. (2006). The divorce decree, communication, and the structuration of co-parenting relationships in stepfamilies. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23, 741–759CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Segrin, C. (1998). Interpersonal communication problems associated with depression and loneliness. In Andersen, P. A. & Guerrero, L. K. (Eds.), Handbook of communication and emotion: Research, theory, applications, and contexts (pp. 215–242). San Diego: Academic Press.Google Scholar
Shaver, P., Schwartz, J., Kirson, D., & O'Connor, C. (1987). Emotion knowledge: Further exploration of a prototype approach. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 1061–1086.CrossRefGoogle ScholarPubMed
Smith, C. A., & Pope, L. K. (1992). Appraisal and emotion: The interactional contributions of dispositional and situational factors. In Clark, M. S. (Ed.), Emotion and social behavior (pp. 32–62). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.Google Scholar
Sommer, K. (2001). Coping with rejection: Ego-defensive strategies, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationships. In Leary, M. R. (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection (pp. 167–188). New York: Oxford University Press.Google Scholar
Sprecher, S., Felmlee, D., Schmeeckle, M., & Shu, X. (2006). No breakup occurs on an island: Social networks and relationship dissolution. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 457–478). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Thompson, A., & Bolger, N. (1999). Emotional transmission in couples under stress. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 38–48.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Vangelisti, A. L. (2006). Hurtful interactions and the dissolution of intimacy. In Fine, M. A. & Harvey, J. H. (Eds.), Handbook of divorce and relationship dissolution (pp. 133–152). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.Google Scholar
Vangelisti, A. L., & Young, S. L. (2000). When words hurt: The effects of perceived intentionality on interpersonal relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17, 393–424.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Visher, E. B., & Visher, J. S. (1979). Stepfamilies: A guide to working with stepparents and stepchildren. New York: Brunner/Mazel.Google Scholar
Willen, H., & Montgomery, H. (2006). From marital distress to divorce: The creation of new identities for the spouses. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 45, 125–147.CrossRefGoogle Scholar
Young, S. L. (2004). Factors that influence recipients' appraisals of hurtful communication. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21, 291–303.CrossRefGoogle Scholar

Save book to Kindle

To save this book to your Kindle, first ensure coreplatform@cambridge.org is added to your Approved Personal Document E-mail List under your Personal Document Settings on the Manage Your Content and Devices page of your Amazon account. Then enter the ‘name’ part of your Kindle email address below. Find out more about saving to your Kindle.

Note you can select to save to either the @free.kindle.com or @kindle.com variations. ‘@free.kindle.com’ emails are free but can only be saved to your device when it is connected to wi-fi. ‘@kindle.com’ emails can be delivered even when you are not connected to wi-fi, but note that service fees apply.

Find out more about the Kindle Personal Document Service.

Available formats
×

Save book to Dropbox

To save content items to your account, please confirm that you agree to abide by our usage policies. If this is the first time you use this feature, you will be asked to authorise Cambridge Core to connect with your account. Find out more about saving content to Dropbox.

Available formats
×

Save book to Google Drive

To save content items to your account, please confirm that you agree to abide by our usage policies. If this is the first time you use this feature, you will be asked to authorise Cambridge Core to connect with your account. Find out more about saving content to Google Drive.

Available formats
×